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The Quibbler; December issue '98 - The Quibbler!

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November 28th, 2006

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01:07 am - The Quibbler; December issue '98

We're Bringing the Truth to You!

Loch Ness Monster in Great Lakes

The Loch Ness Monster has for ages been an attraction to the little lake in Scotland. Attracting scads of tourists every year and raising the question, “Does she really exist?” According to locals in the Loch Ness area, our dear old Nessy only comes to the lake to spawn, explaining the long periods of time between sightings. A native of those parts, Nessy returns every once in a while to lay and hatch her eggs.

However, reliable sources tell us she has been seen in the North-most part of Lake Ontario, one of the five Great Lakes in North America. Experts believe her change of location is due to an unusually big batch of eggs, or that she’s just sick of the pesky tourists disturbing her spawning ground.

Scientists alerted to this change say it is highly unusual and the drastic change in climate from Scotland to Canada could affect her eggs. When asked, one expert said this, “The information we were given was shocking to us. Sea monsters are known for their patterns, especially when it comes to spawning. We believe the drastic change in climate could be hazardous to Nessy and her family, and we will be monitoring her closely.”

This photograph taken by a Muggle camper at Lake Ontario clearly shows Nessy swimming near the shore. Our photo analysts speculate that she is balancing a buoy on her nose.

This Quibbler reporter portkeyed to the Great Lakes area to interview the sea monster, taking with me a local of her homelake of Loch Ness to translate. However, it appears that she didn’t wish the be bothered at the time and we were sent away by local officials who seemed to think we were disturbing the peace with our attempted interview.

Magical Uses For Your Common Muggle Hand Saw

For those unfamiliar with this facinating Muggle creation, the hand saw is a flat piece of metal, edged with "teeth" on one end, which Muggles rub against wood to sever it. Many wizards think it's a tawdry tool and unworthy of our note, but there are many magical uses you yourself can learn!

Accurate Measure
Muggle saw-makers take painstaking care to measure their blades and the teeth on the edge, what they call “serrations.” Using this can give you an even measure for any project! Simply set the edge of the saw onto what you desire to measure and press gently, giving you evenly spaced indentations.

Realistic thunder sound
If your child is throwing a play and can’t use magic to make the desired thunder sound, just have them use a saw. Simply have them shake it wildly, resulting in a loud, tinny, echoing crash to shock any audience member!

Spirit Summons
Using any spoon, drag the bowl of it along the side of the blade. The spirit you raise will greatly depend on the tune you play.

~ If you play Greensleeves, you will raise your long-lost love.

~ If you play all three Gymnopedies, you will raise ten Mexican water polo players.

~ If you play The Camptown Ladies, you will raise the first editor of the Quibbler.

~ If you play Red, Red Wine, you will raise Napolean.

You must play for three hours straight without a break or the summons will not work. Try other songs to get surprising results!

Dragon scale
If you breed dragons and they have lost some scales prematurely, saws are an excellent use for interim scales. Simply insert the saw blade under the overlapping scales, sliding the “serrated” edge against the skin. This will lock the saw into place. Then, when your pet turns to shoot fire, have him aim it at the saw to meld it into place.

Taste bud remover
Place a freezing charm on the blade of the saw until it’s covered with a fine sheet of frost. Then simply place your tongue on the frozen blade and promptly remove. This is a technique I have used many times, mainly when we’re expecting a visit from my mother in law and she’s planning to cook.

Current Location: In your hands, hopefully not your pigeon's cage
Current Mood: busyinformative

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